By JIM VOREL - H&R Staff Writer
Lord knows that America is not a particularly coordinated nation, as a whole. We have trouble with tasks that require great feats of dexterity, such as walking and chewing gum at the same time, or driving and chewing gum at the same time. The same thing goes for fried chicken strips — sit us down in a booth and pile that chicken in front of us and we’re good to go, but hand one to a driver behind the wheel of a car and prepare to witness his imminent immolation in a blossoming fireball as that doomed Ford Fiesta plummets from an interstate overpass.
I’m not sure if any of that is really true, but it’s apparently the line of reasoning KFC marketers had in mind when they devised the new “KFC Go Cups.” If you haven’t already seen the commercials, it’s a simple product concept — just a cup of chicken and fried potatoes that fits snugly into your car’s cupholders. Now instead of the hassle of reaching into a box or bag to retrieve a piece of sodium and fat-laden chicken, you can just swipe them from a cup on the dashboard. Simplicity itself. It’s available with boneless tenders, bites, wings or their “Chicken Little” sandwiches, the latter of which seems just as complicated as a non-cup sandwich would be, but this is probably why they’re not paying me to be a marketer. Also please note that because KFC refers to each cup as “a snack” in their commercial, you are legally obligated to eat more than one at a time. That’s the law.
Still, there are those who believe that maybe this isn’t the best idea in the world. This post dares to raise the question of how many traffic fatalities will be caused by greasy chicken fingers, while also including the hilarious tidbit that the cups apparently “took two years to design.” I think you’ll agree that this factoid conjures only one possible mental image: A thousand monkeys working on a thousand typewriters to design ergonomic fast food packaging designs while men dressed like Colonel Sanders whip them mercilessly.
What I really want to know, though, is whether KFC will do what I know we’re all hoping they’ll do — combine the “Go Cups” concept with their “Famous Bowls.” Think of it. “Famous Cups,” the perfect receptacle to fill with mashed potatoes, chicken and gravy, all of which can be consumed while driving with aid of the patent-pending “KFC Chicken Straw,” a heavy-duty, three foot long plastic straw that allows you to suck down gravy without having to move your neck more than 15 degrees in any direction. I am certain that Patton Oswalt would approve of this idea.
You probably think I’m joking, but the KFC Chicken Straw would actually be more dignified than Burger King’s “Hands Free Whopper Holder,” which was released as a promotional item to BK fans in Puerto Rico this spring. It has all the folksy appeal of a harmonica holder, coupled with a flame-broiled Whopper. That’s win-win, provided you remember to wash out your burger trough when you’re done with it. Also: How do you eat the bottom half of the burger, exactly? Do BK fans have prehensile tongues?
What do you think, sirs? Which mobile and car-based fast food adaptations would you like to see in the future? How about a miniature Taco Bell fajita skillet that plugs into the cigarette lighter adapter?