Women have name decision after marriage

In a world where some of the trickier ones used to revolve around where the wedding would be held, or large guest list versus small, it seems another wedding decision women are tackling today is one that comes after the big day itself: To change or not to change their last name.

In decades past, the name a woman went by after she married wasn’t so much a decision as a tradition, or something that was assumed, said Wegi Stewart, president of the Community Foundation of Macon County.

“When I married my first husband in 1974, I took my husband’s name,” said Stewart. “Our generation in 1974 was kind of caught in the middle of two extremes. There was a lot of activity in the women’s movement, but there was also a strong traditionalist pull. Taking your husband’s name was what our mothers did, and I came from a family where the girls didn’t have middle names because it was assumed our maiden name would become our middle name when we got married.”

Today, however, the last name a woman goes by isn’t an assumption — it’s a choice, and Stewart said she became aware of that generational change when her daughter got married.

“My daughter didn’t blink about keeping her name when she got married,” Stewart said. “Things have changed.”

And in the United States, where today’s brides-to-be have more options than their great-grandmothers, grandmothers or mothers did, women are choosing what works best for them: Taking their husband’s name. Retaining their maiden name professionally while taking their husband’s name legally. Hyphenating. Not hyphenating.

Kate Flemming, who married her husband Tyler in July, said the couple began talking about what their stances were on last names while they were dating.

“Before I met Tyler, I had, in the past, thought I’d keep my (maiden) name,” the 24-year-old said. “It means a lot to me, but Tyler really wanted me to take his last name.”

Flemming said it was a difficult decision, but after some discussion with Tyler and family members, she was able to make a choice that she and Tyler were both comfortable with.

“I decided to make my maiden name my second middle name,” she said. “Flemming is my only last name, but now Feriozzi is my second middle name.”

Flemming said her decision allowed her to have the best of both worlds.

“Ultimately, I love my husband, and changing my name to his was important to him,” she explained. “I didn’t lose my name, since I added it to my middle name, so really there was no change.”

Associate Judge Lisa Holder White also made the decision to retain her maiden name as a middle name.

“My father and mother had three daughters and no sons, so my father’s name was going to end with us,” said Holder White. “My decision (to retain Holder as a middle name) was based on a way to give a nod to my father for the profound impact he had on me as a person, and I’m proud of it.”

Holder White said her decision made sense professionally, as well.

“It (keeping Holder) became more important to me as I became a professional woman, and I made my decision once I finished law school,” she said. “My husband had no problem with it, and it’s been very positive for me. I think, in the past, women who kept their names where viewed as more strong willed, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true today. It’s something that deviates from a traditional decision, but I don’t think it’s looked at the same way today.”

Amanda Black, editor of TheKnot.com, a wedding-planning website, said while many women are still choosing to take their husband’s name after they marry, there are also more women who are choosing other alternatives and options.

“We found that 86 percent of women are still taking their husband’s name,” according to a 2010 Real Weddings Survey conducted by TheKnot.com and WeddingChannel.com, Black said in a phone interview. “But we are also seeing that more women are hyphenating their name or keeping their maiden name, too. I think that now that more women are going into the workplace and establishing themselves and their careers first before they get married, we’re seeing a bigger shift toward more alternatives.”

For Beth Nolan, a financial advisor with Raymond James, keeping her maiden name when she married was always the plan.

“I never really considered changing my name,” said Nolan, who’s been married to her husband, John, for five and a half years. “I think on our second date, I even said that to John, even before we were thinking about marriage. I’m really connected to my family and identify with my family’s name, and John was totally OK with it.”

Nolan acknowledged that she wanted to keep her name for professional reasons, as well.

“I was 30 when I got married and was already established in my career,” she said. “As a financial advisor, I have a lot of things registered in my maiden name, so keeping my name made it easier for me professionally, too.”

Nolan said although her 4-year-old sometimes asks her why she doesn’t have the same last name as she does, and although she sometimes feels she has to justify her decision to other people, she doesn’t regret her decision.

“I’m really proud of my name,” she said. “And today, I think a woman’s name is a choice, where it wasn’t really a choice 20 years ago.”

Dr. Carol Cohen, a pulmonologist with Central Illinois Lung Internists, cited her professional career as one of the reasons she wanted to keep her maiden name.

“It was an easy decision,” Cohen said. “I was already in practice and had graduated from medical school before I got married in 1979, and so I felt like I’d already established myself. This was who I was.”

Born and raised in Canada, Cohen said a woman keeping her maiden name when she marries is more common in Canada than it is in the United States.

“It was so natural in Canada,” she explained. “I still have a lot of friends there who have their maiden names, and in my profession, it’s sometimes easier to keep your maiden name. It wasn’t really a big deal for me.”

A professional career doesn’t necessarily dictate whether a woman keeps or changes her name, however. Dr. Maria Granzotti, chief physician executive at St. Mary’s Hospital, said taking her husband’s name when she married was an easy choice, despite the fact that both of them were still establishing their careers as doctors.

“We got married right after residency in 1992,” said Granzotti. “We were both individuals in our own rights, but we were becoming a family and we wanted to be a full force together. It was the honor of being asked to join his family, and it was what I wanted.”

Heather Kind-Keppel, director of student engagement at Richland Community College, said she believes a woman’s decision to keep or change her name is more respected today than it was in decades past.

“My mother hyphenated her name in 1971, and I think it was a much bigger struggle for her then than it is now,” said Kind-Keppel, 36, who chose to keep her parents’ name when she married her husband 11 years ago. “I think a woman keeping her name has become more common today, and for me, keeping my name was a personal choice and a way to pay homage to my parents and my grandparents.”

Regardless of the options and alternatives that are available for women today, Black said the decision to keep or change your name can still be a difficult one.

“It’s still a very hot topic,” said Black. “We get a lot of questions on our message board from women who are trying to decide what to do with their name, and we really try to give the best advice we can so they can make the best decision that fits them.”

Black noted that when it comes to making the decision, open communication is key.

“For women who are having a hard time making the decision, I would definitely say talk to your future spouse and see what he thinks and where he stands on the issue,” Black said, adding that talking to parents and future in-laws can also help.

“Ultimately, though, it has to be a decision you’re comfortable with.”